A Widow's Heart Renewed

Early in 2009, I had started a Widow's Heart blog to record my questions, thoughts, and insight into scriptures regarding widows and how I could move forward.  I thought surely a second marriage was in store for me and why not? I had a good first marriage with Dave that ended in 2004 due to undiagnosed colon cancer. I had read about Ruth and desired to meet my Boaz, my second chance at love and marriage. 

 I was convinced in 2013, I had met him and we made wedding plans. I ignored the family and friendly advice about waiting to get to know him, because waiting 9 years since Dave's death seemed like plenty of time. There were early signs of emotional abuse and control, but I rationalized that it was because we were so in love, that spending all of our time together and in constant communication was somehow normal. I did not realize that my once socially active life would be traded in for isolation from those I loved and who cared for me.

I had vowed as a child I would not get divorced, because I had experienced the fallout from my parents' divorces. Now after 3 years of misery and fear, I was ready to leave my second husband. I felt like I had been living with a rattlesnake; never knowing when I would get bit. I finally told him I wanted a divorce after he verbally threatened to throw me through a sliding glass door. Triggers had been pulled. I packed up my car with clothes and computer and left the condo to drive back to Indiana where I still owned a home that I was trying to sell.

While we stayed married that year, the new year continued to bring our problems to a head. I moved out in January where I lived the next 5 months in a bedroom, a  teacher friend rented out to me. I hired the lawyer to file the papers for divorce. He refused to hire a lawyer, but we finally had a written financial agreement and the courts finalized the divorce.  I knew the negative drama would continue if I remained in Florida, well after the divorce, so I made plans to move to Colorado to become my Mom's caregiver. 

My Mom gave me some good advice and a year to explore and figure out what jobs I wanted to do. This year would give me time to heal emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My calling to work with other teachers is confirmed, but writing and speaking opportunities are also in my future. I am resigned to live a life a single woman with a widow's heart for others, who lost loves prematurely, and for children who may be grieving the loss of a parent or parents. This widow depends on her Lord to provide and protect her. This is why I have renamed my blog post as A Widow's Heart Renewed.